your room smells of hookers.
And success
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
