So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
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