Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
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