he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
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