Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
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