Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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