my room smells like sperm. sweet.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
You may now shotgun with the bride
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Randomize
