Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
Randomize
