my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
vagina is talking i cant
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
