From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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