The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
Randomize
