I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
Randomize
