A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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