Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
