Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
I want to fling myself into the sun
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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