Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
Megan Fox is the only woman I would let pee on me.
I'm similar. She's the only woman I'd ask to pee on me.
Ok yeah you're right. I'd ASK Megan Fox to pee on me. I'd ALLOW Erin Andrews to pee on me if she asked.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
