Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize
