Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
Randomize
