Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
