I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize
