you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
Randomize
