guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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