can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I'm eating all of the evidence.
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
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