I'm gonna have a badass scar
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
well the blowjob for study guide exchange was a success.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Randomize
