Apparently you make a good broom.
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Randomize
