Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
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