R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
Randomize
