I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
