She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Couch. On fire.
Randomize
