I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
