The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
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I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
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Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
Cover your peen. We're going out.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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