who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize