WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
