he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
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