I heard we made out
I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
