I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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