I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
