1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
I'm kindof freaked out about my cock not getting up this morning. Cove over later so I can sort this out. Do not post this on texts from last night.
Damn that would have been a great one. Hahah and don't worry...
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Randomize
