A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
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