remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
I forgot how hot balto sounded
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Randomize
