I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Randomize
