do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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