are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
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