She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
