They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
