my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Randomize
