Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
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