I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
