can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
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