Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
Randomize
