You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
I'm gonna fight the coyote
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
