Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
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