i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
I wish there were birth control emojis
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
Randomize
