You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
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