remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
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