So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
Randomize
